New year, not so new me

Much like many other people, I am in the habit of spending the downtime that I enjoy between Christmas and New Year, engaged in a period of self-reflection. What did I enjoy about last year? What did I achieve? What is my current standing in terms of family situation, social groups, career, health, hobbies and various other facets that make up my life? I think about what made me happy and, of course, what may have caused misery or anxiety. I question whether I made mistakes (lets face it – we all do) and whether any good came of them (a bonus) or if i just have to write them off as misguided experiences not to be repeated.

Off the back of this, I start to envisage a newer, better me. The Natalie 2.0 that I might strive to achieve in the coming 365 days. I then analyse what habit changes would need to occur to become this ultimate self. The next step in the process is to establish what I can be arsed to actually do from that long list and I pare it right back.

As recent as a decade ago, I would still craft lengthy lists of New Years Resolutions, all of which would have fallen by the wayside by the third week of January. One upshot of self reflection is recognising your shortcomings. A determined visionary I am not. Nevertheless, a person capable of setting smaller goals and actually achieving them, that’s exactly what I am.

I have a colleague at work who talks regularly to our students about the power of one percent gains. The idea that if you chip away at the small things and make marginal improvements then all of those tiny improvements add up and build to a much greater accomplishment.

This is a notion that I give credence to. To be honest, I have insufficient free time to consider anything more aspirational. So, this year, I have created a miniscule list of goals to achieve that will make me a better, more fulfilled version of myself.

You guessed it! Updating this blog more often is one of them.

A year like no other

In January, I worried for a friend.  I didn’t do Dry January, once again.

In February, I trod old ground; it felt good. I didn’t rue the quick passing of time that made my youngest an adult.

In March, I felt hunger and a lack of direction but I didn’t rest on my laurels. I campaigned!

In April, it was all about those Mystery Jets. I paid no heed to the miles clocking up. Each one was worth my time.

In May, I sometimes found myself in need and wanting; not quite sure what for.  I wrote and I mooned  then, in a moment of decisiveness, I took the ugliest selfie ever and consigned it to a decade of haunting me every time I travel. I can live with that.

In June, I celebrated 21 years of my best work. I made lists. I didn’t care a jot for the consequences of my hairdresser turning my locks hot pink.  There were none; it would have been a waste of precious energy

In July, I felt so goddamn proud. That’s it.  No more to say.

In August, I danced then I made a mistake, I felt old and less than myself.

In September, I bounced back, wrote poems, laughed lots and was blown away by teamwork

In October, I relaxed and reconnected. I savoured the cathartic energy of the sun’s rays. I saw paradise, fleetingly. That’s the best most of us can hope for.

In November, I brought things for those that I love. I didn’t stop until I was satisfied that all  were catered for.  They deserve it.  I’m sometimes unsure whether I deserve them.

In December, the plummeting temperatures couldn’t dissipate my warmth. I grew increasingly excited, woke early, reflected.  I didn’t beat myself up, even the mistakes were fruitful, necessary and part of the ride.

Bah Humbug….🤣🤣🤣 (just a bit of fun)

I am crazy for Christmas, get over excited and go all out with my preparations but yesterday I had a bit of fun imagining that the opposite were true.

Anti Christ-mas

Bloody presents,
all the wrapping,
tacky tinsel
stupid tree

Annoying cheery people
with their over-the-top
festivity

Dazzling bloody houses
festooned in Christmas lights
shimmering in my windows
keeping me awake at night

Mariah bloomin Carey
Drivel on the telly
What’s so bloody special about it?
Please
SOMEONE
do tell me!

Dry and tasteless turkey
brussels that just stink
Excessive food consumption
far too much to drink

Watching all you fools together
Celebrating, being merry
I’ll live this like any other day
Go shove your glass of sherry

Too much work for just one day
I catch so many moan
I’ll just avoid the hassle
and spend the day alone.

Christmas poem (cheesy of course!)

Christmas Wishes

In the corners of our living rooms, stand trees adorned with lights
Baubles glisten and the angel atop watches over the presents each night
As they lay below; paper sheltering the truth of what lies within
Boxes and odd shaped packages; some with a bow, some tied with string
All adding to the creation of a most uplifting sight

With school and workdays over and the festive TV guide bought
Mince pies baked, a Christmas cake and more treats than we ought
We settle by the fire to view our favourite Christmas Movie
Elf, The Grinch, A Christmas carol – whichever, we’re not choosy
To keep good cheer now Christmas is here and the days are oh so short

We’ll pour ourselves a glühwein, raise our glasses and remember
The loved ones who have left us since the previous December
The wind whistling down the chimney carries the whisper of their name
We know that Yuletide without them will never quite feel the same
But their warmth and joy still carries in the fire’s crackling embers.

Yet there is plenty to be grateful for and that we celebrate
Christmas time breeds love and care, diminishing all hate
Bringing family and friends together to eat lots, drink, spend time
To cherish one another; so I send love to all of mine
I wish you all the best this Christmas and a New Year that’s first rate.

xxx

Once again

As another unit

of 365 days

strolls to its close

I reflect,

once again,

because that’s what I always do.

Once again, I look back on a journey

with highs and lows

and some roundabouts.

As with any other year,

I toiled

I loved

I laughed

I felt disdain

I grieved

I made mistakes;

Some over and over again

I grew wiser

and sometimes duller

I danced

I drank

I sang

My soul, at moments, fuller

Other times it felt drained

I was careful

I was sensible

I provided

I truly cared

I was reckless

I was dangerous

I faced challenges

I shared

my insights and my knowledge,

myself and what lies within

and come the first of January

I’ll begin the process

once again.

Globetrotting

Happy holidays

Relax

Worry not for small things

You’ve forgot to pack

With your travelling shoes on

Head out and explore

All that’s out there

and that leaves you wanting more

See things with new eyes

that peer out from behind shades

See the joy in life

before it starts to fade

Board that plane, head off

Go have yourself some fun

And then come back refreshed

When your adventure is all done

Nothing has changed

Nothing has changed

The rules remain the same

as they have always done

as they did years ago

They didn’t suit you then

They still don’t suit you now

but they haven’t changed

And neither have you!

You, who has the gall

to stand there and shout me down

acting like I’ve done something wrong

by working within these norms

that exist to benefit everyone

and not just you

Which is really the root of the problem!

However, you are not a vedette

to whom all mortals bow

Neither are you the sun

around which all planets revolve

We live in acceptance of these norms

These rules that have not changed

and if we can all live by them

Then ask yourself

Seriously, why can’t you?

Because nothing

Not one single thing,

has changed

The catharcism of mind-numbing chores

Standing wearily at the sink

I wipe the remnants of sauce from the plates

and I savour the tunes

pumping from my Spotify account

through the too-small, tinny speaker

on my mobile phone

With those suds and the cloth

and the beat of the rhythm

I cleanse my mind

with the ease of this no-brain- necessary chore

against the backdrop of a long and tiresome day

I remove…

the traffic jam on the way to the office,

the clogged inbox with far too many points

to possibly action effectively,

the insipid cup of too-expensive machine coffee,

the irate customer getting arsey about his goods delivery

-or lack thereof!

I absolve myself of guilt

for the internet purchase made at lunch

another thing I didn’t need

but that I wanted

And isn’t that reason enough?

Frustration, annoyance, guilt, testiness

They all leach into the soap-sudded water

until , once finished,

I lift the corner of the bowl and

I watch as my woes

are carried away

spiralling in the current

to die small deaths as they disappear

down the plughole.

The end of a hard week

The pull of the pub

and the pull of a pint

to ease the pressure of a difficult week

You may find a friend

You may be alone

You may just unwind to the random, background tunes fresh from the 90s

or some other distant era

Often people are loud

as the alcohol dulls their senses

It’s scientifically proven to impair hearing

and so your tender ears

may be bombarded with bullshit

and you may be near-drowned 

by exaggerated claims

But only if you pay them too much attention.

My advice

Just sit

Relax

Enjoy the feel of the cool liquid

as it slides down your throat

Close your mind

Block out the world.